I was having lunch with a self-professed monkey when a guy stopped by to say hi and left, and the monkey asked me if he was cute. I paused for a while trying to think of who she was referring to, but she replied, "Never mind, you never looked at guys after Chee Weng anyway."

It was then that I realised how long it really has been since I gushed over a cute/handsome guy with a friend - in a more cheesy romantic way I'd say that all the guys in the world really look bland as compared to my own boyfriend, but I think it's really how everyone just grows up to be uglier and my boyfriend ever more handsome. Haha just kidding. Did I give you goosebumps?

I mean of course, I do want to sleep with James Franco if he wants an underage looking Asian lolita but all my fangirlings were only far-away stars that I can never reach. I can't really care less about other people, but then I realised that since three years ago I can't really care less about a lot of things.

And that is why I am constantly aware that if things don't work out too well I not only lose a boyfriend, but basically half my life. In all that almost-three-years I have been so dependent on the thought that it's okay to lose or waste or offend or fail in anything or anyone because I have that one person who will love me and relent to me and give me anything that I want, and the constant paranoia sometimes drive me to do crazy, desperate things that I cannot even comprehend myself.

Honestly, I do not understand what you see in me.  I don't pay attention to details, I am spoiled and lazy and sloppy and ditzy, I drive you crazy by pulling the flesh of my fingers all the time, I get mood swings all the time, I expect too much, do too little...

And you are everything that I hate and everything that I want.

In public we are not mushy and definitely a PDA no-show that when we even get cuddly our pink blog friend asked "why are you two so manja today, normally you yell and hit each other wo". We have no cute coupley nicknames save for that one ubiquitous word that make the Wong and Chung and Mok confused when we gather, yet if anyone finds out what you call me in private I'm sure it'll evoke scrunched up expressions and "why you call your girlfriend that?!".

But I guess, despite my hurtful messages and constant (that word again) complaints, that's really the way that I want it to be, and stay. Do I really want someone who will give in to my demands every time I let the floodgates loose? Do I really want someone who is as needy and as clingy as I am? Do I really want someone who is so attentive and fragile that he won't give me the wake-up call that I need because he's too afraid of hurting me?

What I'm trying to say, I guess (again)... is that, I know I can go a little overboard with my words when I'm upset, but here is a post to remind me, and you as well, that what we have is good and I really appreciate it. :)