When your mother found me in the bakery on Broadway I wanted to tell her everything, maybe if I'd been able to, we could have lived differently, maybe I'd be there with you now instead of here. Maybe if I said, "I lost a baby," if I'd said, "I'm so afraid of losing something I love that I refuse to love anything," maybe that would have made the impossible possible. Maybe, but I couldn't do it, I had buried too much too deeply inside me. And here I am, instead of there. I'm sitting in this library, thousands of miles away from my life, writing another letter I know I won't be able to send, no matter how hard I try and how much I want to. How did that boy making love behind that shed become this man writing this letter at this table?
Doesn't that look like those bobby head dolls in cars? I was waiting for Chee Weng to be done pimping his car. ;p
Been going to the movies with mum lately, it's really great. I know what's the next movie I'll be catching with her already - New Moon! I think the first movie was just silly but she loved it. When she saw the New Moon trailer in the cinema she was ecstatic, haha. I was surprised to see Dakota Fanning in there - all grown up, too. I wonder if I can do evil? I miss acting.
Oh, Chee Weng practically gushed over Edward in the first movie, shh.
Mum knows how to play The Name of The Game Is Snap now. It's hilarious.
Finally cleaned my room, my eyes stung and nose watered from the amount of dust I was exposed to. No wonder my sinusitus is so bad...
Ing asked me out for breakfast tomorrow :)
Found a small collection of J-Drama I bought a few years ago. Long Vacation, Engine, Pride, The Innocent Witch... You can so tell I was a Kimura Takuya fan ya? ;D
I thought Takizawa Hideaki was cute too... *blushes
Finished Gossip Girl today (while cleaning my room teehee). Don't know which season. The one with Gabriel and Poppy Lifton. I want the next season please? Kelly Rutherford is so pretty :) Brittany Snow plays her character in the spin-off! That gives me a reason to catch the spin-off.
Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, Kate Hudson, Judi Dench, Sophia Loren... and Fergie, if you like - all in one movie? A musical, at that? Of course I'm excited! Oh wait, there's another reason? It's a musical called Nine, and the main character's name is Guido Contini, and the story is about the women in his life? My mind did a quick search through all the junk trivia I have in store, and tada -
Federico Fellini (whom I like to call Fettucine cos I can't remember his name) had a movie called 8½ whose main character's name is Guido Anselmi, of which I have watched a few scenes before! I hope the modern take is as distopic and dreamlike as the old one ;) But of course, I don't believe anyone can come as close as Fellini in this crazy magical genre he's so great in...
Mum bought Jonathan Safran Foer's Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close to me. I thought it was going to be a normal storybook but oh! What a fool of me to expect anything normal from JSF after Everything Is Illuminated? Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close is as quirky and eccentric and unconventional and lovely as Everything Is Illuminated!
Couldn't find Heir To Sevenwaters :(
I wonder if the older I am the easier I am on movies? I thought it was the other way round. I used to love critiquing movies, looking for plotholes and finding something to dislike about - now I find that I'm more easily pleased than ever. I found 2012 to be quite enjoyable. I know, cliched, predictable, illogical... but sometimes I think movies are allowed to be as cliched and as illogical as they want as long as the journey from the beginning to the end is enjoyable, ya?
Quentin Tarantino's movies always remind me of this. Movies are for entertainment, don't take them too seriously :)
I think the older I get the more I am a movie girl than a book girl too. There's just this thing about movies that get me... Books and movies. Such frivolous things that make me happy.
I have gaps in my teeth now, where there were none before. The dentist trimmed them off to make space! It hurt a lot and my gums were bleeding and now I can't eat again, but I'll still battle the pork noodles for Ing tomorrow...
I had a very nice, very comfortable, deep 12 hour sleep last night. Magic.
For a moment today I thought - OH MY GOD, I think there's an assignment due this week and I've forgotten all about it and how come nobody reminded me that there's an assignment due?! - and then realised that I'm really done with assignments. Geez, I was panicking so badly I had sweaty palms.
My face smells like vanilla cake because I got sleepy while doing my assignment so I went and do a kitchen-made face scrub.
My assignment is not progressing well at all. How did it go downhill this quickly!
But I like to win in everything. I know I've won in some things, and sometimes that just heals the soul.
By the way, just to be practical, the "millionaire" requirement had been lowered to "semi-millionaire". I have already decorated the living room and kitchen in my head.
Recently I've relaxed a lot about the people I hang out with.
Friends who think of me as a friend and care for me, look for me once in a while.
Friends I think of as my confidant and I care about, I look for them once in a while.
And if I'm invited, I go along. If I'm not invited, I try not to think about it.
No pressure, no suspicions, no wondering, no ill-feelings, no doubting.
And for some reason, Chee Weng and I had a lot less disagreements since then, and life had just been unfolding wonderfully. There are the little bits that really annoy me and the little bits that sometimes make me lose control and cry,
I don't share these stories with my friends, but with him it's so natural - I just blab everything to him with not a care in the world.
(The flower on her hair was my doing... it was my dog's ribbon :O)
Things are going well between my mum and I. I told my mum about this cool bodysuit I saw, and she told me I should get it because it's the latest trend. I didn't even say that I want it and she already gave me the money. She just loves looking pretty and dressing up, if she'd set up one of those make-up/fashion blog I think she'd garner quite some mummy readers ;D And of course, she's got a really cool collection of boots and shoes that don't fit my tiny feet, it's really quite depressing :(
My brother just asked me to go shopping with him. I couldn't make it, but I think it'd have been fun. Sometimes we exchange our favourite shop brands. I try hard to embed in him that he shouldn't look too much into brands, and at the same time introduced Pull & Bear and Cotton On to him.
My sister just flew to Vietnam. Starting next year, she'd be travelling almost every month. I wonder what it's like to be constantly flying? Packing must be a bitch.
I rarely take pictures with my family. Of course, I don't even have a camera to begin with. Some day I'd like to have my own camera.
I wish I can hang out with Ing more. It'd be another three months until I can see her again, and I so want her to meet my friends, and my friends to meet her. With Ing I don't have to worry if she'd take it well with my friends, because she's so great with people, and I'm pretty confident she'd get along well with my girlfriends!
The only bad egg is this final piece of assignment that I've been dreading to do, and really, I'm pretty much out of time. But it's dreadful. My favourite assignments are all done. :(
So, if there are people who have friends, and want to say things about me to their friends, it's okay with me. If their friends are to be swayed by their perceptions of me, I'm okay with that.
Because sometimes I don't know who I am. I am different when I mix with different people. I am constantly changing and constantly evolving. But what I understand is that these people here are the people that I am comfortable with, and I like being around them, and even among them I am not the same person as I am with one of another.
So maybe it's not your fault if you doubt my loyalty, or my sincerity, or my true intentions. It's just my failure to be true to you and let you know what I'm really thinking.
Because I cannot even manage that with my own family.
One of the biggest lesson I've learnt this year - if a friend makes you doubt yourself, she or he is not worth your time. Chee Weng tried to warn me so many times, and it took me so long to realise this.
I'm glad I'm over that now. I know who loves me, and it makes me love myself. That's the way it should be.
I saw this documentary 102 Minutes That Changed America on the History channel today. It's not exactly a documentary. It has no music (except for some haunting effects at some parts), no narrations, no interviews. It is basically two hours worth of compilations of video footage taken by the people who were there on the day the Twin Towers collapsed.
It was extremely haunting, extremely disturbing, extremely saddening and extremely chilling.
I couldn't find a good quality video of it on Youtube, but here's a short interview from the History Channel. You should catch the repeat on Astro.
In ICPU last year we had to write an essay on any social sciences issues we like. I chose China's One Child Policy. It was a very basic essay covering basic information of the policy.
A classmate asked if he could read my essay because he wanted to learn more about the policy.
I was embarrassed because there would have been nothing he wouldn't know about - he's very smart.
This time I've learnt a whole load of stuff about race relations in Malaysia and how our culture alters our understanding of justice (actually, the Malays and the government). Being aware of such issues make me rather disappointed. Earlier in the semester I had an essay that required me to explain whether I feel that I have a sense of belonging in Malaysia, and I answered yes.
If I had to write it now my answer would be different. The more I learn, the less sense of belonging I feel. Don't get me wrong, I like my country. I'm grateful to be in the country. But there are things that just ticks us "ethnic Chinese" or "ethnic Indian" off (words that are often repeated in my essays...).
A classmate said understanding how different cultures have different perceptions of justice is none of her business. What do you think?
I think that's especially important for me if I want to understand global issues. It's one of the things I learnt from researching child labour - injustice to us, justice to them.
Hopefully if someone wants to read my essay now they'd learn a thing or two from it.
